This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”

Thursday Slump Day

I hate Thursdays.

 

It is my least favorite day of the week. I know most people are getting excited as soon as Wednesday hits, but not me.

Thursdays at work are slow...super slow. It definitely does not require two people. So I end up standing around on my poor, old feet and thinking about all the things I COULD be doing, if I didn’t have to stand there and twiddle my thumbs.

I wrestle with calling in every Thursday. Should I? Will I? Why not?

I might...

Go the F**k to Sleep

This book slays me! I read about it in a publication at work months ago and I immediately told my director we had to get it for the library!

What poor mother or father hasn’t had that moment when you just look at your precious baby and say,

“Please, just go the fuck to sleep…”

I personally loved my time putting my little one to bed. I would rock her and sing to her and hold her till she feel asleep and then lay her in her crib.

I would also turn a hair dryer on or put her in a bouncy chair on the dryer. I would promise her whispered treasures if she would just close her eyes….please…just for a minute…

Wildly Inappropriate Comment #27,352

I recently took a few days of to go to the Adirondacks with friends and family. All my regular (I hesitate to call them normal) patrons at the library have been so thoughtful and sweet about missing me and inquiring about my trip.

Then comes Big D...

Today he asked if I enjoyed my vacation and where did I go anyway? I said we went camping in the Adirondacks and it was wonderful. I told him about the beauty and grandeur of our surroundings and finished up with my standard, "...and I didn't get eaten by a bear!"

To which he leaned down and mumbled into the book drop,

"I'd take care of that for you, honey."

Wow, really? I can hear you....

Ten On Tuesday

10 Reasons to Use the Public Library
 
I am very excited about this topic. I have worked at my local public library for 10 years! It has been my very favorite job and I have had many, ice cream scooper, pizza maker, bank teller and county employee, but library assistant has been the best!
 

1. Your public library has 1000's of resources available for free! In this economy the more fun things you can find to do with your family for free the better!
2. Not only can you come check out a good book, but you can get a newly released DVD, an audio book, a Playaway, a video game, tax forms, copies, faxes, notary public, concerts, family movie night, a free book for you NOOK, story time for the little ones so many things.
3. The people at the library are the best, their main goal is to find you something good to read, what a great job!
4. When you walk in the door, you are transported, to a quieter place, a calmer place, a place where all that laundry waiting to be done...just doesn't matter.
5. You can sit and read the paper, any paper, even The New York Times if that is what you want.
6. It's the only place you can walk into and say, "I found the weirdest looking frog in my backyard! Can you tell me what it is?" and they will tell you.
7. When you want to spoil your little ones, but just don't have that extra money this week. You can take them to the library, cuddle up in a beanbag and read them a story. They will think you are the moon and the stars ♥
8. You can use the Internet or a wifi connection, for free.
9. You can research you family history and find out you might be related to a king or a murderer.
10. You can learn a new language, get help with your homework or just find the next best thing for you to read!

Make sure you go visit your library and maybe you will see me!

What a tool...

"We are losing this country Bill and do you want to know why? Because the kids are in the den watching porn with their parents, that's why."

Actual libray patron comment to the Chris Lee situation...priceless

xxxx fingers crossed xxxx

Friday was a pretty shitty day at work.

A rude remark set the tone and it got progressively worse from there.

I have spent the weekend nursing a sore neck and a throbbing headache.

Back to work today...let’s hope no one pisses me off again…

Dirty Old Man

I have talked many times about the crazy-as-shit people that come into my library every day and ask me for help with something or other. I also have several horny weirdos that come in just as often and have all kinds of love to share.

One horny patron in particular is about 95 years old and never misses an opportunity to say something about his erection (or lack-there-of) or his sexual prowess of long ago. He has even faked weakness so I would take his arm and lead him back to the fiction section, just so he could rub the side of my boob the whole way there.

Monday he came in and was in classic form. He had me find him a book that was "good for erections" and then started hitting on a woman at the front desk when she giggled at him. 

"What are you giggling at?  I am good at it, I am. You are never to old for sex you know."

She did her best to become invisible, but it was too late, he had his sights set.  He gave her his best come-hither look and then laid the most awesome come-on line I have ever heard....

"I have a lot of peaches and ice cream in my fridge. I'm just looking for someone to eat it with me."

customer service 101

I want all the assholes to know that knocking on the desk and addressing me as "You" will not make me fax your disconnect notice to National Grid any faster.

Thank you

lu·na·tic /ˈlunətɪk/ [loo-nuh-tik] noun

“I am writing a resume entirely out of dictionary definitions."

Said with extreme pride and a huge smile.

you might be a redneck if...

A sweet, maybe 8 year old, little girl came to the front desk yesterday and asked,


"Ya know that class where you decorate shirts? Is it okay if we use a wife-beater?"

I laughed right out loud and she looked at me like I was crazy.....too funny...

I couldn’t make this shit up...

I took a call today at work, that was typical of the crazies that I deal with on a day to day bases. It was a little old lady with a bit of a sing song-y voice with just a hint of Long Island accent.  She called last week and had given me a 15 minute (detailed) description on the books she had out and that she might not get them done before the due date and if they were late she would feel horrible and she loves to go to the fair and she used to have a little dog and she doesn’t get out much anymore and you see how this went.

Well, she called again today because, you guessed it, she did not get the books done. I told her I would be happy to renew them for her.

“Thank you sweet heart...I just know I won’t make it over there...I have something on my toe...I’m just not sure what it is..."