2014 Year In Review

1.  What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?

Went on college tours with my daughter and husband.  I never went to college, other than community college, it was just never discussed or mentioned.  I think about all the times Jon and I have talked about CG going to college and wonder what stopped my parents from sending me?  Was it my lack of ability, finances, their own unsteady relationship?  It's a mystery...

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I make resolutions all the time, mainly on Mondays and then again the next Monday. I make the same ones and rarely get past a Tuesday with them intact.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not a close friend, but lots of babies were had.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My father-in-law passed away after a long struggle with heart disease and Parkinsons.  His was a sad life these last few years, living in a nursing home he hated and each day losing a little more control over his body and mind.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.  Not all get to wander....

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Good health.  A feeling of ease and comfort.

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My memory is not so good.  I write a lot down, because it is so easily gone.  We do a memory jar every year and read all the little snippets of paper on New Years Day, I was surprised by all the things that had completely left my mind.  My life has very few BIG THINGS, sometimes the things I remember most are the mundane that fills my heart with joy.  

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

That I didn't kill someone.  As I get older I notice that my fuse is short and my temper is hot.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Getting healthy.  It is all so daunting a task.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

It seems like something else stops working everyday.  In 2014 my biggest worry was my heart.  I have thought to myself more than once, "I will miss them when I am gone."  Hopefully this will be the year I find out what the trouble is.  I had a really horrible abscessed tooth that no amount of prescribed painkillers could touch, and believe me when I say I tried them all in many combinations.  Then there is the slow but complete ruination of my feet.  I have my grandmother's feet.  I think of her sitting in her chair until the day she died and it frightens me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A Filofax personal organizer. I am a notebook and planner  girl from way way back, I have them all in a box in the attic and this summer while my daughter and I were up there in the blistering heat organizing and purging we read through several of them and laughed, laughed, laughed. (*see #7)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My daughter.  She has worked her butt off to do well in school, with college being the long term goal. She went to a tutor over the summer to improve her SAT scores, while working and juggling her first "real" relationship.  It was a joy to see her becoming the person she will be.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sadly, so many.  The behavior of people in general is appalling.  I sound like an old lady, but kids these days are just horrible, rude, stupid and they are our future.  Now a days a polite person is a rarity instead of commonplace, no good can come of that.  I talk myself down from the ledge everyday when it comes to dealing with the public (*see #8).

14. Where did most of your money go?

On nothing terribly exciting, just keeping us clothed, fed and a roof over our heads is the goal.  We don't do trips or extravagant gifts.  We have one child and we save for college and retirement with every pay check, but some days I still have to rob Peter to pay Paul.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My Filofax.....does that sound as sad as it looks typed?  I know a lot of people don't get, but to me it is WONDERFUL!  It is a creative outlet that I really, really enjoy and the ladies that I have meet through Instagram and You Tube have been just great!

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?

Shake It Off.  You know that Taylor is kind of a pain in the ass, but damn if she isn't catchy as hell.  The other song that immediately comes to mind is Let It Go from Frozen, I don't need to ever hear that again......ever.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?

I struggle with this, I tell myself I am a happy person and I work hard on it every day, but deep down I am sad and sometimes the sad wins.

b) thinner or fatter?

Fatter, I lost a good 20 pounds in 2014 with another 20 that need to be lost, but I put it all back on by the end of the year.  The circle goes round and round....

c) richer or poorer?

We paid off some debts, we saved a little more for college and we paid our bills every month.  That's richer in my book.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time outside last summer.  It seems like we waited all summer for it to start, and then suddenly it was done.  The pool was cold and the hot tub was idle too many times.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Swallowing my opinion.  

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my two favorite people in our favorite place.  My husband had time off of work and the teenager had time off of school, so I took time off so we could be together.  No shopping, dinner out, movies or hanging with friends, we spent time together hold up in the house having a great time.  It's the most wonderful time of the year.

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?

I fall in love everyday.  My husband is forever wooing me and he is sooooo good at it.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chopped.  Hands down, no hesitation, I can't get enough of that shit.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I hate the same people.  It takes a lot for me to truly hate, but when I do it is enduring.

24. What was the best book you read?

50 Shades of Grey, do with that information what you will.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I love all music.  I have listened to rock, pop, country, rap, jazz, blues, bluegrass, and hip-hop this year.  I find something that gives me goosebumps in most genres, unfortunately I rarely know the name of the performer or the song.  I love my Soundhound app!

26. What did you want and get?

Debt that was hanging over our heads paid off.  Nothing feels quite as good as sending that last payment.

27. What did you want and not get?

I feel like I usually get what I want, whether it's material or not.  I am very content with my lot in life.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I love movies.  I love to watch them.  I love when I am still thinking about a movie the next day, that to me is the mark of good film.  That being said I am an action movie buff, pretentious and thought provoking films are not usually high on my list.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

This year I turned 45.  I spent it with my husband, my daughter and my dad.  We had a picnic outside by the bonfire, it was one of my favorite birthdays ever.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

*see # 27

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Whatever isn't too tight is what's on trend here. Sometimes underpants just don't make the cut...

32. What kept you sane?

My husband.  His voice and the smell of his neck make me feel better about the world.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I think Jimmy Fallon is a hell of a guy.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Honestly, I am so disillusioned I try not to follow the latest atrocity the world is creating.

35. Who did you miss?

I miss my mom every day.  I don't think there will ever be a time I don't wish she was here to share something with me.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I keep my circle pretty small.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

If it's what is right for you, don't let anyone sway you from believing in it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

Thanks for reading all this, now go find something to do!

Roger Lee Pritchard January 18, 1941 - August 18, 2014

This week my family lost a wonderful man to Parkinson's and heart disease. A man who should have had a much longer time here with all of us and who should have been able to fully enjoy the last 10+ years he did have here. Parkinson's disease is not often discussed or the feature of a viral video on social media. Parkinson's disease can steal your loved one and yet leave him right in your life, forcing you to watch the slow dismantling of a man that you love. I am sad to see the funny, sweet, soft spoken man I knew go, but I a joyous to know that he is free of the pain and limits that his disease had put on him. I hope he is enjoying a long walk, a lobster dinner and a glass of wine with his bride. Goodbye Roger.

Memories

When I was little we would spend every Sunday at my grandparents house. We'd come in the afternoon and stay for homemade pizza, Wild Kingdom and Disney. We'd play cards, dance with my aunt's, go down the lane and just be together. They are some of my most treasured memories.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today has been a long day.

It started with a meeting, then a busy day of work. A horrible fight in the parking lot between two teen girls, with their mothers egging them on.  Questions to be answered, groceries to be bought, dinner to be made, just another day.

Except it wasn't.

Behind all the routine and drudgery of another Wednesday is the knowing.

The knowing that sixty-two years ago today my sweet grandparents had their first of five beautiful daughters.  They named her Carol Ellen, I am sure they thought it was the most beautiful name in the world.  She was their first and until her sister Nancy came along, the most precious thing in their lives.

She would grow up to be funny and sweet.  She would would love her family and her sisters would be the whole center of her little world.  She would be caring and her lifetime of nursing others would be seen in her from a young age.  She would be daring and wild.  She would be a pirate and a gypsy and pioneer.  She and her sisters would have countless adventures.

She would fall in love with a boy.  He would be the first boy she fell for, but it wouldn't matter.  He would be all she needed for the rest of her days.  They would pine for each other when they were apart and they would laugh and love when they weren't.  They would get married and have the first of two beautiful daughters.  They would name her Lisa Marie, because they knew it was the most beautiful name in the world.  They would have another beautiful daughter and they would be a family.

She would laugh and love and she and her daughters would have countless adventures.  She would work all day and go to school at night and she would achieve and accomplish all that she thought impossible.  She would care for others and be there for them when they were sick or hurt.

She would be happy and sad and the routine of life would go on.

She would live a full life, but not long enough.  When she was gone every one's heart that she had touched would break a little, but still beat and go on.

So today was a regular day, expect it wasn't.

Day 13: Something I'm Proud Of

This girl I made ♥

Day 10: A Favorite Recipe

Some things you eat take you right back to being a child. This soup is my instant return to 1979.  It was my mothers favorite and we had it often.  Now that I'm older I know it's probably because we didn't have money for anything else.  My mom canned her own tomatoes and a few vegetables and some barley were inexpensive enough.  She'd make some bread and we would eat it for days.  It only got better...

This is one of the first things I made for Jon when we started living together.  I remember him saying "Soup....of hamburger?"  He was doubtful, but the magic of hamburger soup won him over too.

Just a few weeks ago I stopped over to my grandparents house and my sweet grandma had just made a pot.  This, of course, is her recipe and my mom learned it from her.  She and I leaned over and smelled the steamy goodness and she looked up at me and said, "I made it for dinner, but we might have it for lunch too!"

The magic of hamburger soup...

Joan Crawford wasn't all wrong...

This morning when I was monitoring my daughters Facebook page, which I do on a regular basis, I came across this post from one of her "friends"

"Kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me and when you are fucking someone else just fuck her like she ain't me."

Really?

Is this an appropriate Facebook status for a 15 year old girl?  The answer is no.  I know it's just a song lyric (thanks DRAKE) but that doesn't make it any less wrong.

Not too long ago this same girl had a status that said,

"It seems like all my guy friends just want the same thing from me." 

Hmmmm, I wonder why.

Where is her mother? I am finding it hard to believe that she would feel like this is an okay thing for her daughter to be saying on Facebook, so I am assuming she just doesn't know it's there. The girl's father is a police officer, I am sure he has seen enough horrible things in his time to know it is unacceptable.  Where is he? Why aren't her parents as upset as I am? Equally as disturbing is the fact that 20 of this girls friends "liked" it. What is going on?

This is horrible.

I remember turning up the radio so I could catch the lyrics to a favorite song, but most times I just sang it wrong. Now the kids can just google it and then post it on the Internet. Maybe not such a good thing.

I remember hanging out with my friends and laughing and acting stupid. But none of these antics were video taped on a cell phone and preserved on You Tube for all eternity.

I remember thinking someone was a dork or a slut, but I never picked on them or attacked them with words until they saw hanging themselves as their only escape.

I remember talking to my friends for hours and hours, even though we had just spent the day together in school. Now the kids talk and talk and talk, but they never even open their mouths. They say things they wouldn't say if they had to look the other person in the eye.

I miss those days. I think know it was a better time.

I believe it is my responsibility as mom to make sure my daughter is using social media and texting in a safe way. I don't think it's spying and I don't think it is unfair to her. I'm not her friend, I am her mother, her protector and her teacher. I deleted that "friend" and tonight we will be having a talk about why that girls post was unacceptable and the ramifications of that behavior, because that's the right thing to do.

I feel bad that the other girls mother doesn't feel the same way...

Where does the time go...

Our one and only child went to Florida this year with a friends family, and thus started our first "empty nest" experiment. She will be gone for 12 days, let's just take a moment to let that sink in....12 days....two days short of a fortnight.

When we agreed to the trip it was a week, Friday to Friday, and I thought "We can do that, no problem."  But then the details started trickling in and they would need drive time and the days got longer. Twelve days is a long time.

Our girl goes to sleep-away camp every summer and that is a week, so I did have a base of separation to know what I could manage.  When she goes to camp we are completely cut off as they don't allow cell phones. We drop her off and come back at the end of the week to see if she is still alive. I live through it every year.

This time I knew she could call us, video message us, text us, Facebook us and that would make it easier.She has done all that, and we talk to her several times a day. She calls with giggly stories, we got a video of the room and we get excited texts about finding just the right hoodie at Ron Jon.

But it's not the same.....

I miss her sounds. I miss her strolling into the kitchen while I am making dinner to talk to me. I miss her asking me what there is to eat. I miss her laugh. I miss her sweet face in the morning when I should be going in to wake her up. I miss telling her to do something and having a discussion about if I want her to "Do it right now?' Who would have thought that fourteen years ago my life would change so much. I can't imagine what we would be without her. She has made both of us better people. Her time is coming to go out and use what we have taught her to make a life of her own. I am not looking forward to it.

I know she is having fun and I am glad, but I can see the future now, a time when we don't have her here to make us laugh and feel secure that she is okay and it is not as golden as one would think...

Handmade With Love

I love Valentines Day!!! I know it gets a bum rap and a lot of people just wish it would go away, but for me  and mine it is a fun day to show how much we love each other!  I also love that it is one of the easiest holidays to go handmade!

The three of us have been hidden behind closed doors working on secrets and surprises. Our pintrest boards are off limits, in case we figure out the surprises. It can be a sweet treat, a construction paper card or a wine stopper turned on the lathe. No store bought cards or treats!!

My little girl leaves the next day for a trip to Florida without me, so this year I will be super needy and sad. I better get a construction paper heart from somebody....

Sunday

And then wine came out my nose...

My sister has lived more places than I have even visited. She's a mover and sometimes I am lucky enough that she picks a place near me and sometimes I am not so lucky. Last year she and her sweet boyfriend moved away from a near-to-me spot to a not-so-close one. So I went from weekend visits to phone calls and emails. 

We spent a lot of our teen age years trying to kill each other, but now we see the worth of the other. Our mother would be releived, there were times I know she was at her wits end with us and our fighting.

I miss my sister.

This week she came home for about 24 hours and I got to spend a small amount of that time with her!!  We had a big family dinner and lots of laughs. After everyone went home we had a grown up sleep over, complete with wine and inappropriate stories.

Now she is gone, but I have been reminded that there is no one I love like my sister.

And then it was done....

Christmas was wonderful....

The joy on our daughters face when she looked at us was worth every minute spent in a mall. 

We shared our day with family and had laughs and tears. We held a brand new sleeping puppy and marveled at his cuteness. We ate delicious things we only eat once a year ( my sister-in-laws Christmas pudding) and we came home tired and happy to put on new Christmas pajamas and watch the best movie ever made, It's a Wonderful Life.  I cry every time Mr, Gower hits poor George's bad ear and each time I see his friends and family come together to help him at the end.

May we all be as blessed as George Bailey...

And that's why I love him....

Yesterday was our sixteenth wedding anniversary and we decided, after many years of threatening it, to each take the day off and spend it together. After we shipped the teenager off to school and we got back in bed and snuggled under the still warm blankets to discuss what we would do with our stolen time.

1. Definitely a big breakfast. ( I made french toast and fruit salad)
2. An after-breakfast nap. (there was no sleeping hehehehehehe)
3. Visit dad at the nursing home. (not very romantic, but we managed to have a few laughs)
4. Make our first trip to the local Amish Country Store.

This is where I stop to tell you how adorable and sweet my husband is.  While I was bent over in the bakery isle, checking out the delicious goodies, he put a small box with a bow nestled in amongst the pies!  It was a complete surprise! (I know you started thinking dirty after "bent over", shame on you)

We finished up with a family Christmas shopping trip to the city and a very disappointing dinner at The Melting Pot.

A good day. After all these years together he still knows how to surprise me.

xoxo

At 11am December 9th, 1995

I married my best friend....

Thankful

Thanksgiving is upon us and everyday I am filled with gratitude for all that I have in my life. I will suddenly stop in the middle of an average, every day act and have an aha moment....

I have friends and family that love me.

My husband and I both have jobs and are able to take care of our daughter.

We have a home that we love.

I am grateful.

Last week was sad for me. My mom's birthday makes me miss her and I feel like I got jipped by losing that irreplaceable person in my life. But as I stood around at my cousin's beautiful apartment laughing and having fun with my mother's sisters I had an aha moment....

Even though I lost that one special person, I still had four more.

I am grateful.

Thank You

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that this will pass away, too –

source

Yesterday was a dark day and all the kindness from my loved ones and friends made it easier to bear.

Today will be better.

My two best friends told me that my mother would not want me to be so sad and to lose a day with people in my life right now by mourning the fact that she is no longer here.

They are absolutely right.



Happy Birthday

I am a loud person. I talk, a lot. I smile and greet and try to make everyone I meet feel good.

When I am sad, or mad it is very obvious. I am quiet and withdrawn, and I don't really give a shit if you feel good.

Today I must have had 15 people ask me if I was alright.

"You okay?"

"You sure seem quiet."

"Are you not feeling well?"

"What's wrong?'

And I didn't have a good answer for any of them.

It didn't seem right to say,

"Well, it's my mom's birthday today and I haven't been able to kiss her or suprise her with a balloon or maybe a flower or take her out to dinner in over 20 years because she is dead."

I just don't think that is the answer any of them were looking for.

Sugar and Spice And Everything Nice

source

To thank the men and women who have given and continue to give their lives for our freedom, my daughter and I went to the mall to shop. It is a basic human right and one which should not be taken for granted. Unfortunately, I hate to shop for clothes and the only thing I hate more is shopping for clothes with my teenage daughter.

Those few precious years of dressing up your compliant and beautiful baby are barely payment for the years of fighting over every scrap of clothes they want to put on their bodies. Parenthood is not to be taken lightly and I think my #1 fear is screwing her up somehow. I constantly question myself and my decisions, "Is the right thing to do? Will she hate me and be on The Bad Girls Club someday?"
What if that 8th birthday party that I cancelled is the thing she talks about when she is on Intervention?MTV is full of girls whose parents screwed them up. I don't want my daughter to be one of them.

Anyway, we headed out to the big city and the big mall, with the cool stores, to get a few things for my growing-taller-every-day teen. My girl has been bewitched by Seventeen magazine and all those ridiculous teen shows about how she should look and what kind of clothes she should wear. Never mind that she is six feet tall and curvy, not an Abercrombie zombie at all. She only wants those outfits she sees in the media and none of the ones that fit her body type and make her look stunning. And so the fighting begins....

What was supposed to be a nice day together turns into a crying in public kind of day. It is so frustrating to me that she can't see what other people see and that she is so disappointed in her inability to look like that picture in a magazine. I start to doubt myself, what do I do? What is the best way to open her eyes and show her? Surely, it is not getting so upset that I walk away from her in a busy mall and leave her sitting on a bench hiding her tears.

I miss my mom so much now that she is older and I need more advice than when she was a easy baby. This is the time when I need reassurance, someone who will tell me what to do so I can just do it, without worry and doubt. 

I wonder when iPad will come out with an App for that?

Whatever

So, I kind of suck at this whole write-a-post-everyday-crap. I'm not gonna lie, I take full advantage of the posting options here on blogger. I do a lot of early morning, could'a been yesterday posting.

Today is my first full day without my husband. He has called me twice and sent me about 10 emails, he doesn't text. We are so pitiful without each other. I have gone away on trips without him before and I hate it. Same for him, even our daughter gets so homesick that she tends to not spend the night places very often. We are definitely homebodies and we like to be together.

A friend of mine was just talking about girl weekends and how important it is to go away without your families and restore yourself, so you can be a better wife and mother. I just don't think it would be like that for me.

Although having instant mashed potatoes for dinner and watching Green Lantern while enjoying all those half naked Ryan moments is pretty fun....

Motherhood

This morning on the porch is probably the best yet. The sun is dabbled, the breeze is balmy, but not the humid sticky one we have had. The coffee is perfect and the puppy and the old cat have even decided to honor a treaty and enjoy it together.

But for me all I see is my daughter, all I hear in my head is me talking and giving her ideas and advice. I can’t be in the moment because I am too filled with dread and worry.

School starts in a few weeks and already it has started. Her group of “friends” is mad at her. They are all the best of friends, inseparable for weeks and then it happens. The ringleader gets mad because one of the other girls spends too much time with my daughter or she gets jealous over something my daughter has gotten or done or sometimes, it seems, she gets mad for no reason at all and the hate starts.

No one will talk to her, the ringleader won’t allow it. They make plans and do stuff without her and then post it all on Facebook for her to see. They lie and say she did things she knows she didn’t do.

It is all very confusing and hurtful for her. She would never do something like this to them and it is hard for her to believe, every time, that they would do it to her. I try to counsel and help her but it breaks my heart, every time.

They make up and the cycle starts again. I try to tell her to make new friends, but the thought of losing all three of them at once is so daunting to her that she just can’t imagine it.

“Where will I sit at lunch?”

“Who will I talk to in Science?”

“Everyone hates me.”

I have run out of patience with these girls and I have run out of advice to tell my own sad teenager. I long for the days of skinned knees, when a band aid and a kiss could fix it all.