Livin' The Dream

All summer we have found a tiny, green tree frog living inside our hot tub. He’s just under the flap and above the water line where the steamy, hot conditions are the best. We assume he spends his time perched there pretending he is in the Amazon, sweating profusely and narrowly avoided death by fierce anacondas. We always shoo him out when we get in and I hope he isn't going back to his tiny tree frog buddies and boasting,

“I’m livin’ the dream bitches, livin’ the dream.”

Nobody likes a douchebag…

This is how is goes....

So, Mrs. Pissy-Pants and her self-righteous, stony glare are waiting for me yesterday at the library front desk. I get out my biggest smile and my sweetest may I help you, because those miserable bitches hate that shit, and then it goes like this…

“Good morning, how can I help you?”

“Let me ask you a question, do we still use the dewey decimal system?”   Eye roll.

“Why yes we do.”   Big smile.

“Really, have you changed it?”   Duck lips.

“Mmmm nope, it’s still just the same.”   Turn up the voltage on smile.

“Well, it’s funny, I’ve looked all over for that book 1963 by Stephen King and I can’t find it.”  Punctuates the sentence with head bob.

“Well, let me explain the trouble you’re having. The title of the book is actually 11/22/63 and it is a work of fiction by Stephen King. So, it would be located in the fiction section alphabetically by the author’s last name. Not, as you thought, in the non-fiction section, which is where we actually use the dewey decimal section.”   Suck on that eyebrow lift.

Lllllooonnnnggggg ppppppaaaaauuuuusssseeee.

“Is it checked in?”

2000 to 3000 times a day....

Friday night we watched this movie. I may never shake any ones hand again. Howie Mandel is not as crazy as one may think.

After freaking myself out about r-noughts (how many people the average infected person infects) and how many times a day we touch our mouths and faces (2 to 3 THOUSAND times a day) we spent the next day at a very nasty flea market, complete with a Hong Kong room. I was beyond grossed out.

We had a good time though, laughing at the crap that was available for sale. Old teeth, why not? After all 25 cents each or 5 for a dollar is a great deal.

If only they had a communal bowl of nuts to eat...

"Who's too old to trick or treat?"

Not these girls apparently. When I suggested they just walk around and enjoy the evening I was given looks of utter disbelief.

"You mean NOT get any candy?!"

Fourteen is still little, don't let those push up bras fool you....

Wildly Inappropriate Comment #27,352

I recently took a few days of to go to the Adirondacks with friends and family. All my regular (I hesitate to call them normal) patrons at the library have been so thoughtful and sweet about missing me and inquiring about my trip.

Then comes Big D...

Today he asked if I enjoyed my vacation and where did I go anyway? I said we went camping in the Adirondacks and it was wonderful. I told him about the beauty and grandeur of our surroundings and finished up with my standard, "...and I didn't get eaten by a bear!"

To which he leaned down and mumbled into the book drop,

"I'd take care of that for you, honey."

Wow, really? I can hear you....

long night...

Because I've been awake since 12:36am and sleep is not in my future...

i am:: exhausted
i want:: to sleep
i have:: eaten too much this St. Patricks day
i wish:: it was 9pm instead of 5am
i hate:: windy nights that keep me up
i miss:: my mom
i fear:: losing my family
i hear:: WIND
i search:: for new ideas
i wonder:: what my daughters life will be
i love:: my life right now
i ache:: when I get out of bed
i am not:: a patient person
i dance:: when I do the dishes
i sing:: all the time
i cry:: while watching the news each morning
i am not always:: as nice as I should be
i write:: because I want to remember
i confuse:: myself
i need:: my husband and daughter to hug me when I get home
i should:: go back to bed
my father thinks i am:: to grown up to need him
my mother thinks i am:: I wish I knew what she thought
my husband thinks i am:: too controlling
three things i'm often complimented for are:: My hair, my abilty to make you laugh and my cooking
what makes me happy:: camping
it upsets me when:: I don't get my way.

What a tool...

"We are losing this country Bill and do you want to know why? Because the kids are in the den watching porn with their parents, that's why."

Actual libray patron comment to the Chris Lee situation...priceless

Bad Seed

 

My aunts are always coming up with pictures I have never seen before of my mom and all of them as little girls. I love to see them and how cute they all were.

But this one is weird...my mom looks like that little girl from the movie Bad Seed without the braids. Like she just came home from pushing little Billy off the top of the slide because he made fun of her monkey baby.

Don’t make fun of her monkey baby...

Day 26 – 30 Day Blog Challenge

A picture of your family

This is what we do in stores. We embarrass our daughter whenever we can. We act silly and laugh most of the time. We get mad and we fight, but there is a lot of love here and that is what is important.

fml

• wake up and stumble downstairs for that first sip of coffee, only to discover it tastes like shit.
• totally miss the opportunity to see this as an indication of the day ahead.
• look into the mirror to see that the zit cream i have liberally applied to my face has made a red, raw map of ugly all over it.
• leave late for the 13 year olds orthodontist appointment because she can’t find the retainer we are going there to have checked.
• tailgate a rusty, crappy AstroVan all the way to the appointment only to see it pull into the same dr we are going to…awkward.
• find out the kid is chewing on the plastic retainer and making it not fit properly and shell out $100 unexpected dollars to get a new one.
• leave appointment and head out to UPS store. carry heavy, awkward box to door and realize the store is not open yet.
• sit in car with kid for 15 minutes in complete silence while i ponder the waste of 100 of my dollars.
• watch store employee arrive at exactly the moment the store is supposed to open and unlock the door.
• carry heavy, awkward box back to store and listen to employee (who just arrived) tell me it will be a few minutes until the computers warm up.
• walk around UPS store for 10 minutes while she tells me i will have to reach over the counter and lift my package for her because she has a 5 pound weight limit.
• look at same employee like she is crazy when she asks me if i would like to take a few minutes to fill out a survey on my service here today.
• finally head back to school with kid…we are so late.
• listen to stomach rumble and grumble because i suffer from some weird affliction that makes me physically sick when i am late for something.
• watch low fuel light blink on even though i just put gas in the damn car yesterday.
• drop the kid off at school and feel relief that it will be 9 hours before i will have to argue about something with her again.
• get home, pour more crappy and look at clock...it’s only 10am

Dirty Old Man

I have talked many times about the crazy-as-shit people that come into my library every day and ask me for help with something or other. I also have several horny weirdos that come in just as often and have all kinds of love to share.

One horny patron in particular is about 95 years old and never misses an opportunity to say something about his erection (or lack-there-of) or his sexual prowess of long ago. He has even faked weakness so I would take his arm and lead him back to the fiction section, just so he could rub the side of my boob the whole way there.

Monday he came in and was in classic form. He had me find him a book that was "good for erections" and then started hitting on a woman at the front desk when she giggled at him. 

"What are you giggling at?  I am good at it, I am. You are never to old for sex you know."

She did her best to become invisible, but it was too late, he had his sights set.  He gave her his best come-hither look and then laid the most awesome come-on line I have ever heard....

"I have a lot of peaches and ice cream in my fridge. I'm just looking for someone to eat it with me."

lu·na·tic /ˈlunətɪk/ [loo-nuh-tik] noun

“I am writing a resume entirely out of dictionary definitions."

Said with extreme pride and a huge smile.

ozone layer??

I am so impressed by the huge asshole running his diesel truck for the last 15 min so he can enjoy the a/c...

...tap tap tap...

you...are...a...dick.

you might be a redneck if...

A sweet, maybe 8 year old, little girl came to the front desk yesterday and asked,


"Ya know that class where you decorate shirts? Is it okay if we use a wife-beater?"

I laughed right out loud and she looked at me like I was crazy.....too funny...

some people are too blind to see...

Yesterday at a family picnic my dad went on a rant about fb...


"I don't undersatnd facebook, people go on there and write,

 "I got a DWI last night and f#@*ed my neighbor!!"

I guess he's been reading his wife's page...

jealous much...

Just sitting here in my Spanx and knee highs, enjoying a cup of coffee before work.

How’s that for a mental picture.

the definition of my life...

pa·thet·ic (p-thtk) also pa·thet·i·cal (--kl) adj.

1. Not checking your cell phone for 14 hours and jumping right up to see who texted you.

2. Discovering not a single person has...

Fuck This Green Shit

I am all about saving the Earth. We have destroyed all that we had and we are hell bent on doing it quick, I get it. I recycle and turn of lights when I’m not using them, good for me.

I have a Sigg water bottle so I don’t fill the landfill with my plastic bottles. But, for the love of frickin’ God why can’t I take a drink out of it without giving my brain a fucking bath. I get a nose full of water every time! I thought Swede’s were supposed to be smart.

The Man in Black

I wore my typical post holiday outfit to work today, black pants and a black turtleneck.  I thought I was rocking it, you definitely couldn’t see the 4 dozen Christmas cookies I ate or the 2 batches (because 1 pound of butter, 1 pound of sugar and 1 pound of peanut butter just wasn’t enough) of peanut butter balls or the peppermint bark or the untold amounts of booze that was consumed during this joyful holiday season, Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Until my daughter walked in from school today and took one look at me and said,

“Oh no, who died?"